Early morning Circuits
For months they had pored over the maps, studying
the perilous contour lines. They had trained until their legs ached and their
stomachs bulged from cream cakes and coffee. They carefully selected the best
non-chaffing lycras. Mal and Bob had shaved and oiled their legs until they
shone. Finally the waiting was over and they were ready for the Greatest Challenge
they had yet faced – “The Great Victorian Traverse”.
Stretching from the hot, dusty plains of Wangaratta right up to the Alpine High
Country of Bright, this would indeed require all the exceptional bike skills
and physical fitness that the legendary Warby Ghost Riders were renown for.
The final expedition party was to consist of 4 top riders, as well as Bob (who
was already famous in medical circles across the nation for his heroic battle
against painful hemorrhoids).
The force was again to be ably led by Dennis, who was to provide the motivation and map reading skills that had already led to spectacular triumphs over Donna Buang and Upper Yarra Dam. Duncan was to contribute with his exceptional mechanical ingenuity and mountain climbing ability. Mal was included to assist with valuable advice on fashion accessories and leg waxing. Ross had already proved his worth in pulling fallen trees from the track in previous expeditions and Bob was included as an equal opportunity rider to represent the “senior hemorrhoid sufferers” in the community.
Supporting these 5 riders were a well trained support
crew consisting of Estelle, Stacey, Maggie, Linda and Fran, each one of them
fully prepared with a tourist book of local craft shops and a fresh credit card.
They were truly ready for anything that shopkeepers might display before them.
The momentous day finally arrived and the riders set off from Melbourne on Friday
29th November 2002. Dennis was determined to lead from the front and left Melbourne
at 1 pm in the afternoon, not wanting to miss the chance for a personal wander
through Dean Woods Bicycle Shop in Wangaratta. Perched precariously on the back
of his car were his new Stealth Bike and Bob’s Plastic Fantastic. In spite
of traveling through a huge storm with giant hailstones, flooding rain and howling
wind, Dennis’ bike arrived unscathed, along with the dented remains of
Bob's Titanic.
A few hours later Mal, Bob and Ross arrived. But still no sign of Duncan and Linda. Dennis showed enormous concern for his missing crew members and insisted that the rest of the team not have dinner until the last members had arrived. By 8 pm the entire group was on the point of mutiny with massive hunger pains and rumbling stomachs. Dennis tried to contact the missing members but all he got in reply was a ghostly static on the telephone and a faint voice saying “I can’t hear you”.
Assuming that the worst had happened and that they must be fighting some sort of major storm or mechanical malfunction he insisted that the group refrain from eating (out of respect) until the missing members were accounted for. Eventually the mystery was solved when Duncan and Linda belatedly arrived at a leisurely pace at about 10 pm. Apparently the trip had taken longer than they had planned because they had stopped three times along the way for meals, drinks and nibblies!
After verbally abusing the latecomers for several minutes the group made its way down the now dark and deserted main street to look for a place to get a meal. By this time several members of the party had resorted to the old cyclists trick of chewing on a spare inner tube for sustenance. Bob was even hungrier than the rest and went off in search of nearby road kill. A few minutes later he was seen happily chewing on a large mud flap, obviously dropped by a passing truck.
Fortunately (for Duncan and Linda) their search was not entirely in vain and a late but hearty meal was enjoyed at a local restaurant. Of course, the major topics of conversation were the Great Traverse and Mal’s secret calf moisturizer. (Just how did he get such a healthy lustre???? ). The group did admit that Bob also had a superb lustre – but it was limited to the top of his head.
After dinner the group spent some time investigating several possible approaches to the start of the trail. In fact after an extensive search the start of the trail could not be found at all. This was not an ideal way to start an expedition, but Dennis retired to bed confident that this would just be another minor obstacle for the Warby Riders to triumph over in the morning.
Bob and Mal retired to give their legs a final touch up and to carefully select the best colour match for tomorrows’ lycras.
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Early morning Circuits |
Although the weather forecast had threatened showers and thunderstorms, the morning of the 30th November dawned brilliantly (and very early). Dennis was up at 6.00 am ready for the planned 7.00 am departure. The rest of the trekking party crawled out of their respective beds at around 7.30 am and slowly assembled in the car park of the motel.
Bob (who had slept with his bike tucked in the sheets with him) decided to exorcize his hemorrhoids by completing a few slow circuits on the bitumen and was eventually joined by the other riders. Although there was a degree of tension in the air it was nothing compared to the tension in Mal’s new lycras.
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Just what went on in here ???? |
Dennis knew that when dealing with athletes of this
calibre it was vital to get underway before they went off the boil, and back
to their beds for extra sleep.
By 8.00 the final peloton was almost ready. Estelle helped Ross and a team of Nepali porters carry his Massey Ferguson out of the motel room to line up along the other thoroughbred racing bikes. Bob applied the final coat of wax and blush to his calves and finally they were all ready to depart into the unknown.
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What a Day for a Traverse ! |
There was barely time for one final photographic session before they mounted and headed down the main road into Wangaratta. The first challenge they had to face was to find the bike trail. Not only was the trail well disguised, its whereabouts was also apparently a secret that had never been divulged to the local inhabitants.
At this point Dennis used his well documented lack
of directional sense and led the group around in circles for a few km searching
for something resembling a bike path. Fortunately the trail was eventually found
(and lost again) and by 10 am the intrepid adventurers had reached the first
checkpoint at Bowser (about 6 km out of Wangaratta).
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They arrive at Everton |
By taking bearings from the angle of the Sun, Dennis correctly picked the right direction to ride along the track and thus avoided the embarrassment that would have ensued if they had inadvertently headed straight back to the motel. Once on the trail proper it was time to change to the big gears and wind up the speed. After all they now had some considerable time to catch up if they were to make Beechworth in time for coffee and cookies.
The five riders pedaled on for the next 25 km like the well trained and highly disciplined unit they were. When they successfully reached Everton Station their confidence and collective morale was high. They had managed to come this far without a puncture, bike malfunction or lycra split. Bob had not fallen off for over 25 km and Duncan’s socks were attracting admiring glances from many passing female cyclists.
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Start of climb to Beechworth |
They were even aided by a considerable tail wind – giving them renewed hope that the climb up to Beechworth would be achievable in a good time. In fact the guide book said to allow 1 hr and 40 mins to complete the climb up to the Bakery at Beechworth, but the Warby Riders decided to rewrite the guide book by completing it in about 40 mins instead. Unfortunately they did have to spend the hour they had saved during the ride recuperating outside the bakery sipping coffee and eating cream cakes. It was hard work but someone had to do it.
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Coffee at Beechworth |
Because the State Government had apparently not been informed about the Warby Riders and the Great Traverse, they had made the mistake of calling a State Election for November 30th. This meant that the riders had to stop and search for a Polling Place to cast their absentee ballots. They made their way to a local school where they were welcomed by a large crowd of supporters who made sure that they received the kind of reception they deserved. Some of the riders were even handed pieces of paper for autographs.
The entire trekking party and support crew lined up at the Absentee Table and were able to note the excitement of the polling staff seeing so many absentee voters turn up at the same time. It was apparent that the word had gone around that the Warby Ghost Riders were in town. Although the locals would no doubt have wanted them to stay much longer, Dennis mustered the team for another photo shoot at the historic Beechworth station before heading back down the hill.
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Time to remount again (Beechworth) |
The return ride was quite exhilarating and gave the team a chance to rest their legs and ponder what might still lay ahead once they turned back towards the next major checkpoint at Myrtleford.The next section of the trail was quite exposed with many long straight sections, as well as the climb over Taylor’s Gap.
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The Trail to Myrtleford |
At this point the pressure told on Mal, Bob and Duncan as they panicked at being out alone in the bush. With a rush of adrenaline and bottled steroids they disappeared into the distance, leaving Dennis to look after the welfare of the remainder of the team. Dennis wisely decided not to chase them but had to trust that they would not burn themselves out and become just another cruel statistic in the Riders Hall of Shame.
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Past Taylor's Gap |
By 2 pm Dennis and Ross had ridden into Myrtleford and had to begin the thankless task of searching for the missing riders. Fortunately they had not strayed too far from the trail and the group was able to meet with the support crew for a well deserved lunch in the park. With the hardest part of the trip now behind them they were confident that the challenge would be completed in style.
After lunch the peloton again left for the final leg of the Traverse. With the mountains clearly visible they knew that success was not too far away. Dennis had given clear instructions about the type of disciplined riding he expected, so that all riders could share in the triumph together. Unfortunately Bob and Mal forgot these instructions about 2 km along the track and decided to race to Bright to see who could shave their legs first.
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The High Country Inn at Bright |
The tragedy of this became apparent later when it was revealed that only Dennis, Duncan and Ross had indeed completed the entire trail – Bob and Mal had become disoriented and had to complete the final section along the highway (a much shorter and easier route.)
In spite of this minor hiccup the team could be well pleased that a majority of its riders had indeed successfully completed the entire ride. According to their computers they had completed approx 125 km for the day. It only remained to find the motel and enjoy a well deserved shower.
The high spirits of the riders almost came crashing down when they turned into the motel entrance from the roadway and came precariously close to staging a spectacular crash right outside the reception office. It makes you wonder what type of fool would put thick loose gravel in such a silly spot!
Apart from the unstable entrance the rest of the motel was extremely comfortable. After unpacking, most of the team found their way out into the shady courtyard (pictured above) and savoured the day's successes. Fran spied an interesting hollow mulberry tree and started to make bedroom eyes at Bob, enticing him to join her under the leafy canopy. There must have been something about that tree because a couple minutes later Linda started insisting that Duncan join her for a cuddle. Then again, maybe its just because all men look great in lycra.
After all riders were suitably cleaned and refreshed there remained little else to do but go back into Bright to find a suitable place to have dinner. After wandering around in circles for about 30 mins they finally decided to give their business to a likely looking Pizza Restaurant where a hearty meal was enjoyed accompanied by lots of animated stories and loads of laughter.
The laughter increased to a whole new level when strange head markings were noticed on the foreheads of some of the riders. Resembling something of a hybrid version of the Westpac bank symbol and a zebra crossing, it was first believed that this might be some sort of variation of the mysterious "crop circles". Further investigation led weight to the much more boring hypothesis that it was, in fact, caused by the effect of strong sunshine shining through the vents in the riders helmets. As if the riders did not have enough to contend with - now "riders' stripe" would forever rank alongside "chamois chaff", "lycra stretch", "Friday leg shadow", "bike chain tattoo", and a host of others, in the catalogue of cyclists' worst nightmares.
It was at this point that the day took on a sadder note. It is unfortunate that not all riders are made of the same mettle and Mal had to announce reluctantly that he would have to retire from the expedition and return back to Melbourne that evening. The other riders could only imagine the pain that he was feeling as he limped back to his car to begin the long drive back. After all a "blown calf muscle" is not something you would wish on your worst enemy!
With the sun sinking low on the horizon everyone
knew that it was time to return to the motel for a good night’s rest and
to make sure all was in readiness for the second part of the ride the next day.
Although the original plan had been to complete the Grand Traverse from West to East only, when the team awoke to a cloudless sky on Sunday morning they quickly decided that the opportunity was just too good to let pass without another ride. The only question was where they were going to ride to.
One option that was considered was to continue along the Ovens Highway to Harrietville and beyond. The other option was to return back along the same way they had come, with the option of finishing somewhere near Myrtleford. After a brief discussion it was decided that the trail might look even better in the reverse direction and, more importantly, it was largely downhill.
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The reduced peloton (without Mal) |
Dennis and Bob realized that it was very important to fuel up before another long ride and decided to give the Buffet breakfast a checkout. About an hour later they could eat no more and retreated back to their rooms to pack their bags and prepare their bikes.
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Heading out on Day 2 |
By 10 am all the remaining riders were ready to hit the trail again. Although Mal was no longer present with them in the flesh (or even in the lycra), they all knew that he was still with them in spirit. It was with a hearty shout that the 4 brave cyclists rode back onto the road and headed back to Beechworth Station to retrace their previous day’s epic ride.
While it was true that the trail did have something of a downhill tendency, the weather was much hotter than on the previous day and the riders soon realized that their new foe would be the twin devils of heat exhaustion and dehydration. It would be imperative that they drink lots of liquid and eat lots of ice-cream during the ride. For this reason Dennis made sure that the peloton stopped at the Myrtleford Milk Bar for the first “pit stop” of the day.
After refreshments all riders were feeling relaxed and confident in their strength, so much so that the talk turned to completing the return ride all the way back to Wangaratta. If they managed to complete this Double Traverse, it would certainly write their names into the annals of cycling history. It did not seem such an unattainable aim for such athletes and they had experienced no mechanical failures at all. Little did they realize that things can turn around very quickly during such extreme adventures.
A few km further down the trail the first hint of a problem came when Dennis tried to apply his brakes. The lever went straight to the handlebar, without any stopping effect whatsoever. Dennis knew that this was not a good sign and asked Duncan to see if he could see what the trouble was. Duncan soon replied with a cheerful “You’ve only got one brake block”. Closer inspection revealed that this diagnosis was indeed correct with one of the slippery little suckers having obviously gone AWOL somewhere near Myrtleford.
Although Dennis could have abandoned the ride at that point he bravely chose to continue the ride with no brakes. Ross assured him that if he needed to stop in a hurry, he would just throw a piece of wood through his front spokes. The dedication of his team members inspired him to keep going, albeit with one block short of a full set.
The next major decision was where to meet the support crew for lunch and refreshments. A quick study of the map seemed to suggest that the infamous Taylor’s Gap would be a good place for lunch. The only problem was when they had climbed the steep slope up to the Gap, they could see that there was no place for cars to stop. They would need to get a message to the drivers to keep going, however the battery in the mobile phone went flat at the critical time.
Bob came to the rescue by offering to ride alongside the passing crew vehicles and giving them directions to the new lunch stop at Bowman Station. He assured the team that 80 or 90 kph was easily attainable for a man with such smooth legs and proceeded to sprint up and down the highway like a peacock in search of a mate.
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The Sunken Titanic |
When the first vehicle appeared Bob got so excited that he pushed the plastic fantastic a little too hard. A loud bang indicated that something terrible had gone wrong. The initial fear was that Bob had either suffered another blown calf muscle, or worse still, that his hemorrhoids had finally exploded. A quick examination revealed the true source of the problem – his ultra light chain had snapped in twain.
The rest of the riders and support crew had settled down in the shade of a large tree to enjoy their lunch, while Bob made his way forlornly down the road looking intently at his feet. When asked what he was doing he replied that he was looking for the “missing link”, upon which he was advised that the best way for him to see the missing link would be for him to look in the nearest mirror.
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Lunch at Bowman Station |
The other riders enjoyed a hearty lunch while Bob proceeded to dismantle his bike and survey the carnage. Duncan managed to distract Maggie long enough to steal her roll and eat it, Linda went knocking on the door of the nearest farmhouse, Dennis studied the map and suggested that Bob might have to ride the remaining 60 km or so without a chain.
Meanwhile Bob kept at his endeavours, having scrounged a chain breaker, a pair of pliers and a few large rocks from the roadside. The rest of the team looked on in awe. Duncan proffered some valuable advice by reminding Bob to make sure he had the chain correctly threaded on his bike before rejoining it. Bob reminded Duncan that he was a bike expert and to mind his own business.
About 45 minutes later Bob let out a triumphant cry and proudly announced that he had indeed fixed the chain. Another two minutes passed before Bob let out another cry – this time announcing that the chain was threaded “all funny”. When Dennis came over to have a closer look it became evident that Bob had somehow managed to simultaneously break the rules of Quantum Physics and Common Sense by not only threading his chain accidentally through the bike forks, his front wheel and the handle of his thermos flask, he had also somehow introduced a half twist at the same time. This had converted his common chain into a mechanical version of the famous Moebius Strip, thus producing a bike that could travel forwards and backwards at the same time.
Although such a bike might be useful in side show alley, it would be of no use whatsoever in completing the Grand Traverse. Bob had no choice but to reluctantly break the chain a second time and begin all over again. About another 60 minutes were to pass before a grease covered and somewhat despondent Bob could finally announce that he had finally managed to put it back together the correct way. He woke up the other sleeping riders and soon the trekkers were able to resume their journey.
It was now mid afternoon with the temperature hovering near 30C and the bright sunshine threatening a repeat dose of riders’ stripe on their foreheads. The riders were fighting fatigue and delirium with every km. Bob even thought he could hear John’s train whistle in the distance. Fortunately they finally reached the welcome sight of the Everton Station. They knew that they could find water there and were starting to realise that Wangaratta was getting closer with every turn of the crank. The water from the tank was cool on their heads and shirts and after a 15 minute break they climbed back on their bikes for the final leg of their journey.
The final section of the trek went without further incident and they reached the welcome sign of Bowser Motel with a growing sense of accomplishment. They knew the streets of Wangaratta would be lined with thousands of wellwishers to welcome them back. Ross was sure he could hear the roar of the crowd as they turned for the final approach down the Main Road, but it turned out to be nothing more than the roar from his huge tyres rolling along the smooth bitumen.
When they finally rolled to a stop outside the ice-cream parlour their computers indicated a total distance of about 220 km, not a bad weekend’s effort by anyone’s standard. All riders enjoyed a cool drink and the stories that started to flow about the completed ride. It was obvious that, like all good stories, these stories would grow with the telling over the months ahead. One thing that all riders and crew did agree on was the catchcry “Next Year in Wangaratta”.
Yet another triumph for the Warby Ghost Riders!!!.